Epona's Rants
by Lady Jade Midday
Summary: What would it be like if Epona could talk? Would she be full of praise about the hero of hyrule? Or...not? Epona rants about different characters of the Zelda Series
1. Link

The real Hero

The real Hero

Tell me something.

Suppose the world was in danger and you had played a relatively large part in saving it, you'd want at least _some _credit, wouldn't you?  
A scratch behind the ear? A carrot? A pat on the head at least! Wouldn't you? Well I do! I mean, I carry the oaf all around Hyrule, I run I jump, I get shot at, all for the good of the kingdom and what do I get?  
Nothing! Now you might say, "but Epona, you've got your own song!". Well if that's what you wanna say you better think about it twice, unless you want a kick in the stomach.  
Or in the male case, a little more south…  
Have you heard that song? Have you?! I have! Toooo often! It's getting on my nerves!  
When he didn't have the Ocarina anymore I was thrilled! It was the happiest day of my life! Yes! No more stupid song!  
Just silence! Nature sounds! Peace, quiet! And then the bastard finds out he can play it on a piece of grass. Grass for the Goddesses sake!  
And if that wasn't good enough, that twit Ilia gives him Horse call! When she told me she was gonna give Link that charm I thought I was gonna break down  
and cry! But I got her back for that one. How do you think she got amnesia in the first place? Abduction by raging beasts? Nope, sorry. A kick from me hind legs. DING DING DING! We have a winner!  
So I think you get the picture. I fucking hate that song!  
The only reason I still come running when he calls is because I hope I might knock him over or something.  
Seriously, I frickin' hate that song! I swear to the Three, next time he plays that song I'm tearing him a new one..  
I mean, don't I get a say in this too? I work and I slave and I take him everywhere and not so much as a thank you!  
He never says a word to me! Well, not counting the occasional "Hiya!" followed by a whipping. A whipping!  
Like dragging his sorry ass around Hyrule isn't enough, I get beaten!  
One of these days I'm throwing him off and he can walk! You know…thinking about it…I don't deserve this!  
I'm a good horse! I deserve better! He should treat me better! Get me better food! Lose a little weight! Get rid of that whip!  
I mean, I get him around! Without me, he'd be walking all over the place! He'd be running from those boars! (Mental note: gotta see that sometime…)  
That's it! I'm going on strike! Let's see him get around to saving the world without his ride!  
Starting today, Taxi Epona is officially closed! If that bastard thinks he can just take advantage of me like-oh well!  
Speak of the Devil, there's the asshole now! Covered in bruises and cuts again…He definitely took a beating…good!

_Link joins Epona and pats her on the neck  
_'at least you still love me, right girl?'

Psssh, whatever makes you sleep at night…


	2. Zelda

Epona's Rants Part 2†: Zelda

(Author's note†: Picture Epona waving pompons)

One two three four

Zelda is a dirty (prostitute, but it rimes with four…)

Five six seven eight

She could really lose some weight.

(AN: /shameless animal abuse

If you thought schlepping that green oaf around was bad, try adding her Royal Airheaddedness to the party. I'm telling ya that corset ain't foolin' no one. I should now! It took three chiropractors in two months to get my back fixed! And the dress? Hello! She looks like she belongs in a six year old girl's room on the shelf, sipping tea out of a little pink plastic cup with Barbie and My Little Pony! But Epona, you might say, pink is the colour of love when red's not around!  
Do you want me to go Chuck Norris on you? Do you?!

Oh, wait the corset does seem to HAVE actually fooled someone. Since the green-obsessed dunce is constantly eyeing her like she's the best thing invented since sliced bread.. Or perhaps he's just into that kind of stuff. Ugh, never mind, I don't want to know.

But seriously! Can you imagine what it would be like if those two ever decided to spawn some brand new douche bag damsels and hernia causing Greenkins? That would be a dark day for all the future horses in Lon lon ranch..

If poor fragile Linkypoo survives their wedding night that is. DEATH BY ZELDA'S Kno- err.. assets!(A.N. Let's keep it appropriate for the sensitive souls here shall we :D) A very suitable ending for the backbreaker don't you all agree?

Okay, fashion distaste aside, what's with the whole Triforce of Wisdom thing? If she really deserved the thing she would be wise enough to not get her self captured all the time and I wouldn't have to drag General Greenbag around to save her ass time after time! I could take a vacation! Catch some rays in the Desert Colossus. Go swimming in Lake Hylia. Snowboarding on Snow Peak. But no.  
"Oh Link, you must save my retarded blond ass again, for the ten billionth time, oh and while you're at it, go give that poor horse a hernia before you ship her off to the glue factory!"

I feel like committing a coup, anyone wanna join?  
Queen Epona, does have a ring to it. Fresh oats for all!

**(Link comes running out of the bushes and mounts Epona.)**

"C'mon Epona! We have to save Zelda!"

Thank you Captain Obvious…

EDIT : Hello! Jade here. I'm still trying to work this system out a little and my computer seems to hate Java. My laptop to...  
Anywhoooo, just wanted to edit a small thing to thank our reviewers! Jane O'Callaghan, Dragonlover149, The-Saiyan-From-Hyrule, hunting-angel and ShippoIsCute18, congrats you've all earned a cookie!  
Abd Jane O'Callagahn gets one extra because she's already reviewed the second chapter! Damn you're fast o.O  
Be sure to keep reviewing peeps! Our Ego's need it...

Peace out!

Jade


	3. Ruto

**Here we are with a new Rant, fresh from Epona's mouth! Yes, horses have mouths. Right? Anywho, please enjoy!!!**

name: Ruto

species: Zora

aliases: fishbreath, skankQueen, Her Royal Reekness

special traits: She stinks. I rest my case

we were going to laky hylia. Good, I thought, some Fresh air at last! It'll do me good after all that time in the dusty desert."

see where I'm going with this

cool breeze in my manes

Sunshine war m on my back

Then the stench came...

it was foul! A disgusting cloud of Death!

and the heat just made it worse

it seemed to get worse the further we went..

but of course Prince positive was too busy sightseeing to notice

it almost seemed as if he did it on purpose… another way to torture me!

Nah. You'd need at least half a brain to come up with an idea like that

and his wasn't even the size of a pea

heck a pea could win the Nobel prize compared to the Green Retard

but I'm getting off track, I'm supposed to be ranting about Ruto

Ruto. The very name burns the hairs in my nose. Oh my poor nose. It was never the same after that

I still have trouble smelling

Usually when the trolls came, you could smell the from afar. Now I don't notice until there's an arrow in my butt!

My oats never tasted the same again, either. Hell, the bastard could try to poison me and I wouldn't notice!

Now I always let that little blue bug taste before I take a bite. the Day she goes belly up, I'm off for greener pastures!

Then again, I'd prefer poisoning over seeing that abomination again.

Picture this. She's blue, she's slimy and her taste in guys is about as horrible as her smell!  
No wait, I take that back. Nothing can beat that stench! But still!

She, get this, wanted to marry Booger boy!

I don't get it! What is it about him that's such a babe magnet?! Now if he attracted hot girls, nice girls, decent girls, girls with a good personal hygiene, I'd be down with it! But come on!!! First Zelda, then Illia and Ruto!!

Is it the tunic? Do chicks really dig a guy in uniform like that? Is it the sword? I still say he's just using that thing to "compensate" Hmmm...what is it? Maybe...oh dear god....could it be me? chicks do dig horses...

No no, it can't be me. It's...it's the hat! Yeah that's it! The hat!

Oh who am I kidding?!

It's me! I'm doing this to myself! Doomed to be every princess's favorite pet! Let's face it, I'm a chick magnet!! I'm too cute for my own good!!

But how come he gets all the dates!!! It's not fair! I'm the cute one and he gets the babes!! Then again...seeing the girls he gets makes me wanna swear to celibacy

Damnit I'm doing it again! I'm trailing off. I should be ranting about ruto! But then again... what is there to say? She stinks and she likes link. That's bad enough for a death sentence, right? Actually this rants should be as short as "Ruto. The end."

She has as much personality as a rock! She's been under water so long, the oxygen shortage caused permanent brain damage!

And that's royalty!! She's supposed to run a Kingdom someday! I weep for the future of the zoran race...  
Combine that with her Royal Zeldaness and Little miss Mayorchild Illia and we have ourselves the start of a great apocalypse! Sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe it would be better if Ganondorf took over. At least he tried to kill all three of them.

_(Link appears from between the bushes)_

"Let's go Epona! The Zoras need our help!"

Dear Din, if there was ever a good time for a cold, now would be it. Nose plugs! My future kingdom for nose plugs!!!

**This Chapter is dedicated to the wonderful Razer Athane because she hates Ruto just as much as we do! Maybe even more XD**

**Of course a special shout also goes out to all you other Rutobashers out there and to all our reviewers! Thanks so much, you make our days!**

**Peace out!!!**


End file.
